more n more these days i hear my frds say ugghhh at mee. n more n more i hear myself say ughhh at myself.  wut is ughhh rly?. its a grunt of dissaproval. its tone is between weariness n slight disgust.  now....y is this lil grunt surrounding my life these days?... coz ive been making some bad decisions. or....gay decisions.  =_____=.  or actualli the lack of.  y is it that man wants to own everything within its path?  now ime just a lil girl. i dunt wanna penetrate everything with a hole. i just want enuff things to make mee feel better about myself. n apparently enuff is 2 much. poor lil meme.

my back hurtss sooo effin much from sleeping on the couch at school.  uhh...i woke up to the most pleasant sounds in the world:  nerds talking about playing starcraft n their unconstrainable anticipation starcarft2.   yeahhhh... music to my ears.  Also one of the nerds were talking about how he never tried to get into university and never tried in university...uhhh...clap clap clap big guy.  but he went on to saying how he never handed in assignment late and never missed a due date.  n thats not called trying???... try doing "not trying" my way:  dunt show up to ur xam. 
its not like ime saying he should "not try" harder...i just dunt like people who live in their own world...people who are boxed in by their own ideas. n bsides i find offense to people who say they dint try in university...coz meefinks its harrrrrds. friggg...this year ime finally getting my act together...i took notes for the first time in the 2 years of my univ life...as well as studied for a test for the first time.  yeahh...ime on a roll.

i dunno why i dunt wanna try hard.  mb its becoz ionno what ime trying for.  a career? money? status? ionno.  for some reason ime not really motivated by any of those things right now coz they r just too far in the distance.  I feel like ime living backwards....like freaking BENJAMIN BUTTON.  the longer i live the less apt i am at it.  when i was young, i had clearly defined goals and was EXTREMELY motivated.  now i only live in the moment -- dictated by my emotions...n i have ALOT of those.  It kinda reminds of the Odyssey...the guy has to go back to his family but there is just so much shit in the way.  ionno how ime gonna end up...but one things for sure...ime prolly not gonna care.

last night i was wasting time on wikipedia, n i read about the movie mullholland dr. the movie is about confused identities, hallucinations, injustice, love n all those stuffs.  it seems as if the first 2 hours of the movie was just a hallucination by Naomi Watts' character Diane n only the last 20 minutes is reality. it makes mee feel like life is all but a dream...a dream where reality doesnt matter...only wut u c is the truth.  i find it funny how there are words like...self-centered.  wut a redundant unit in our volcabulary....how kan we not b self-centered when everything that we feel, know, see, think etc stem only from our personal xperiences.  the world that i live in is completely different from the world that u live in...but we live in the same world....i guess thats y wer all lonely becos we r all different n theres no such things as complete mutual understanding.  we kan project our feelings onto other ppl becoz we need emotional outlets but that doesnt mean i can project myself onto another person.  Just like i miss my boyfrd...but ino i shouldnt call him coz hes prolli busy.  but then i ask myself y do i miss him...i dunno. coz ime alone? if i had a dog i would miss it too i guess... then i ask myself y do i love him...n i still dunno. coz he loves me? does he realli? if so y? becoz i love him? n so on.... mb love is just a cycle like this.a cycle that originates from complete randomness...just like how life began...how random molecules in the ocean just happened to attach to eachother n created life would lead to more life n so on.

i still remember when i met my boyfrd. just a lil more than 2 months ago.  i was sitting besides the most abnoxious men ive ever met in my life...and one of my best frds was being completely smitten with a guy that she just met.  then...he walked into the room.  he was wearing a cap n he was kinda cute...i talked to him n he seemed indifferent...but kept engaging wif mee anyhow.  then i got realli drunk n proceeded to make out with his frd. i dunt realli remember the rest but he drove mee home. 

yup. that was the beginning of us. charming...isnt it?. its funny how something that began so insignificantly could become so important. i realli love him...but i still dunno y

i must remember this feeling. i dunt wanna b an insomniac so this was the last time i make this mistake.

not real. not real. not real. not real. not real. not real. not real.